I have been gimped by fear. I've known for a while that it is a problem in some areas of my life, especially considering the phobias I have developed for no apparent reason, but I had not realized how bad it has become until this week. Insidious, sneaky fear pervades everything I (try to) do. Caving to that fear has messed up large portions of my life.
You may have noticed that every tab on my page has something under it except for Writing. I have been working on a book for over two years now, and I had made great progress. At 2/3 through, I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. And that is when I stopped. I found excuses--I was pregnant and tired, I'd just had a baby, Kira didn't take long enough naps, etc--to not write. The reality? I'm afraid to finish. When I finish, I have to do something with it. I have to send it out to face possible (and likely, at least a few times) rejection. And if I succeed, if my book does get published, then others will read it. They will see what I think. That is an even greater possibility for rejection.
This epiphany actually came to me right after I got my Yudu machine. I had been imagining all the cute gaming onesies I could create, but when I actually had the machine, I was nervous about making anything. I was so surprised that I started wondering why. Why had my excitement turned to a feeling akin to dread?That question let me to realize the true problem: I would have to put something of myself out there.
Fear has been stealthed deep in my psyche for years, ganking me randomly just when I thought I was about to level up. I love T-shirts with goofy sayings, but I don't wear them because someone might see and laugh. I hated writing papers in college and would procrastinate until the last minute because I dreaded putting my thoughts on paper to be graded and criticized. Even though I generally made A's on my papers, there was always, always something wrong somewhere, and I didn't realize at the time how personally I was taking it, how it built my fear of expressing my thoughts. (Ah, hindsight.) I started projects that I never finished or never showed anyone. I don't talk much at parties because I'm afraid no one will care about what I have to say.
Well, the list goes on. It is actually something of a surprise that I started this blog; it took more courage than you might expect to hit "Publish Post" and then link my stuff on Facebook. But I am tired of letting fear rule everything I do. It won't be easy, and I know I will backslide.
In 2011, I'm going to finish my book. I'm going to make and wear goofy shirts. I'm going to finish projects and actually show them to people.
Fear = Pwnd